Realizations

Today was supposed to be a rainy day as in all day rainy but maybe clearing out in the afternoon. I had decided to forgo getting yard work done because it was supposed to be rainy. I ran some errands, piddled around the house a bit, then decided to get busy with laundry. It was bright and sunny so I figured all the rain had skipped over me. So, I put the laundry out to dry on the deck. About 15 minutes later, I looked up from cutting up a chicken ---- and it was raining. and apparently had been for several minutes --  everything was dripping -- not just out of the washer wet. I got super mad about this. I mean blowingitwayoutof proportion, stomping around, saying a few choice words, and thinking "WTH ELSE CAN GO WRONG?" (Fortunately The Princess was not around to hear my way over the top for the situation reaction).

When I cooled off a bit, I had to really analyze my actions and reactions. That was WAY overblown for the situation. Yeah, it was irritating, but generally the kind of thing I would just laugh off. WHY did I make such a big deal of it? And then I realized, it wasn't the rain on the laundry I was really mad at. I was mad at me. And situations. And the fact that my life is not currently going the way I want it to. Or the way I planned. Or any number of things. So that made me sit back and do some real thinking. Where was I? Where did I plan to be that I'm not? And I made a list in my head of the things that had somehow veered off path in the past couple of years. (If you don't want to listen to me whine and bitch ---- stop reading NOW)

When I started this blog, my goals were pretty simple, I wanted to get out of debt, get The Princess to college (and pay for it), and buy my own home. Fast forward 2.25 years and I'm not quite where I wanted to be.

I still currently have $3K in debt -- I'm working hard on it, and should hopefully kick it to the curb come August, but my plan was to have it GONE by the time the Princess graduated high school. Some of it couldn't be avoided (costly car repairs, unexpected vet bills, surgery, etc). But some of it was overspending at Christmas, overspending here, overspending there. Not being nearly as intense with keeping my eye on the prize as I should be.

I got the Princess to college. But half of the first semester was paid for with student loans. The other half wiped out half of what I DID have saved. And she hated it there. She moved home for the second semester, and is happier, but now we are down to about $2K in college savings with a long road to go.

Home Ownership? HA! I'm still renting from my Dad. Originally the plan was for him to sell the house after The Princess graduated from high school (we needed the school system). BUT (and it turns out this works in my favor), the market hasn't rebounded enough for him to get close to what he paid for out of the house, so he is content to let me continue to rent (he could get more from another tenant, but has no desire to be a landlord to anyone else). My emergency/homeownership fund has about $3K in it. Yes that could wipe out my debt, and I'll use half of it to do so in August, but that is also the "letmesleepatnight" money. Not touching it if I don't have to.

And then there's the personal life. I've got great friends -- and I love getting together with them. And for YEARS that's been enough. I've been divorced for 15 years and in the earlier years I dated quite a bit. But nothing and no one ever panned out. Some were pretty good guys, but just wrong time, wrong situation. Some were downright losers. And then you had the "set ups". Not sure, but I always seemed to get set up with guys who were nice, but their speech was horrendous. I'm talking nails on a chalkboard deep, country, bordering on redneck accents --- and couldn't speak a sentence with proper subject and verb agreements to save their lives! Sounds shallow doesn't it? Especially for someone who is far from perfect herself. BUT, when I had to repress the urge to correct every sentence... well, I knew that wasn't the person for me.

So, I abandoned the dating game. I figured, it will happen when it is meant to happen. Since then, I've been very content being alone. Not lonely, mind you, but alone. Single mom, great kid, great friends. Lately though, alone has been a lot more lonely. I'm not nearly as content with it as I was. That's a bit troubling to me. Loneliness is not an emotion I like.

And then there's the stuff I want to do, but don't have the money or time to get done. The furniture in my house. Every single piece of it is second hand. Some of it I LOVE. My great-uncle's roll top desk. The sideboard from my Mom. The tall skinny chest of drawers that was my grandfather's. All of that is wonderful. But the other pieces are showing their age and look downright shabby. I hate to enterain because everything looks like crap. And the sad thing is, I really LOVE to entertain -- but it's embarrassing. And quite honestly, no matter HOW MUCH I clean --- this house is so old I'm never going to get it clean enough to NOT be embarrassed unless I strip it back to the studs and start over. Paint, sheetrock, tile, caulk, floor, everything. Pretty much original to the house and it was built in 1957 -- which was NOT one of the great periods for architecture. Even my yard, which is generally my pride and joy, looks like crap right now. And to add insult to injury --- my freaking weedeater basically died yesterday. UGH.

Okay --- I think I'm finished whining now. That felt good. Got it all out. I'll be back soon with (hopefully) a lot more postive outlook on things. If you made it this far.... thanks for listening!